I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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