Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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