i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
