why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
