I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
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when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
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Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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