I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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