matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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