Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
