Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
