Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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