that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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