there was a trapeze. enough said
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
