matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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