I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
