I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
