Soap is not a condiment
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
two words: eviction party
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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