youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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