she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
