What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
