Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
