I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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