Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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