I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
