sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
