he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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