I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I can't turn off my feet"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
