You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
