At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
bring money and cleavage
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
