Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
