I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
is that a dick in a sweater?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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