Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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