So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
