I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
