3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Randomize
