So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
a search helicopter?!
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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