I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
