She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
