Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
