Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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