this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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