I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
