Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
