If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
