Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
