Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
