new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
