I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
