Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
