i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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