Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
