I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
