I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
