what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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