I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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