I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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