Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
