I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
