I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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