Don't you send me to vm
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You are the jesus of drinking
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
