I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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