I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
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