I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
