i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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