why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
